Rubber walls are bouncy
Why people pleasing is unreliable for success
I was on the phone recently with a customer service rep at one of my financial management institutions regarding a concern I had over an automated email containing what I was hoping was incorrect information. Things grew increasingly frustrated on my end however, when she attempted to use what I can only assume are the “active listening skills” and scripted redirects fed to her by a screen (not her fault per se, but unfortunate nonetheless).
In her attempts to keep me calm (I was at first), she actually perpetuated the very thing she was trying to avoid: escalating frustration, by using a syrupy sing song voice, frequently talking over me because she seldom paused to hear what I was saying or likely, was already reading the next prompt on the screen, repeating my words back to me or even her own (I call this the rubber ball technique in therapy because it’s like bouncing a ball off a wall. It’s designed to show that you understand the client, but I find it infantilizing in most cases unless used with extreme finesse).
She also kept reminding me how the company believes it’s doing a great job in ways that had NOTHING to do with my phone call.
I finally just shut up and let her talk… and boy did she ever. She went on for several minutes and even said “thank you” and that “she was so glad she could help me rectify things” even though NOTHING was resolved and I still hadn’t responded.
I was highly amused (and still very pissed). She wished me a good day and a happy holidays and asked me to please leave her an excellent rating on the 1 question survey I was about to get.
Does this sound familiar??
Many of us were raised in families or religions that taught us to avoid conflict at all costs. We “learned” all manners of defense tactics designed to divert, deflect, and defend. It helped us survive childhood but now what?
Often my clients find themselves attempting to navigate relationships, especially the romantic or sexually charged ones, with woefully inadequate skills or distress tolerance to build emotional safety which allows for authentic connection.Their baseline is usually somewhere in the realm of well-meaning, but horribly misguided, truly damaging, people pleasing behaviors like placating, compromising, or avoiding altogether.
So where do we start?
By un-learning the BS that no longer serves and re-learning the power of AUTONOMY - the kind of authenticity that honors self and others.
MYTH - It’s selfish to want what you want and more loving to “be nice and give in to others.”
TRUTH - I harm others and myself when I am not in integrity with who I am and what I know to be true for me.
“The word integrity (from integer) means ‘wholeness.’ Living in integrity means expressing and doing what’s true for you in all situations. Depart from your truth in any way—offer a fake smile, flatter your awful boss, marry for money—and you become two people: the truth knower and the lie actor. That’s duplicity. And duplicity, not social noncompliance, is the real enemy of joy.”
- Dr. Martha Beck
HONESTY IS … genuine compassion.
HONESTY IS … true love.
HONESTY IS … way less likely to cause drama than beating around the bush.
HONESTY IS … honoring another’s autonomy and right to choose.
You do no one any favors by hiding who you really are. They may THINK they want you to play their game, but the reality is, by doing so, they’re not getting the version of you they’re actually even wanting.
Skeptical? Ask yourself:
Would I ever want someone to hang out with me if they didn’t want to?
Would I prefer my lover to just lay there and take it if they’re not in the mood?
Would I want people to feel like they should tell me an outfit looks good when it really doesn’t flatter me?
Would I like to walk around with my zipper down or food stuck in my teeth?
Would I want people to stay in a relationship with me if they’re no longer interested?
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess not. But can you handle the truth? If so, can you offer others that same gift of your truth?
EVEN IF there are rare moments in your life where it is not worth it (e.g., a family member hell bent on never changing), can you at least not lie to yourself about the situation and give yourself permission not to be responsible for others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?
**In a future post I’ll discuss the vital and necessary distinction between honesty and transparency which speaks more to these sorts of instances**
Move from a rubber wall to a brick wall others can truly depend on.