Be You. Unless I Hate It.
Why we can’t tolerate disagreement—and what it’s costing us.
How old were you the first time you can remember caring what others thought of you?
Whether it was because they praised you, or more likely, criticized you, I’d be shocked if you made it through kindergarten unsullied by a burgeoning need for approval.
Yes, we humans are wired for survival, which includes not getting kicked out of the proverbial tribe, however, we could certainly debate whether or not babies are naturally self-conscious. As long as our needs are met, why would we worry if someone else likes or dislikes something?? … unless they made it personal.
And therein lies the rub.
Whatever someone has associated with us (e.g., she’s so kind, pretty, great at math… gross, ugly, messy, annoying…) often gets internalized, especially if it’s repeated, and even more so if it’s more than one person doing the repeating.
Furthermore, if we do happen to take that feedback in and attach it to our sense of self, in other words, if we now identify with it, it will rule our lives, and in ways that many never consider.
“The word “identification” is derived from the Latin word idem, meaning “same” and facere, which means “to make.”
So when I identify with something, I “make it the same.”
The same as what? The same as I.
I endow it with a sense of self, and so it becomes part of my “identity.”
―Eckhart Tolle,A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose
Be You Unless I Hate It
Here in the West, we’re simultaneously obsessed with originality yet have an extremely low threshold for anyone expressing their autonomy if it clashes with ours. And we’re dramatic AF about it.
From politics to business models to how to spend our money or even what kind of sex to have and how often, all of our decisions are filtered through a lens of “how will this affect ME?”
That by itself is not at all a bad thing. It’s biology. But what IS absolutely damaging is when it destroys relationships, individual fulfillment, and even societies. If left unchecked, hypervigilance rots every foundation it is allowed to ruminate in. An inability to handle others disagreeing, or gasp, disapproving, pervades nearly all intrapersonal distress (within self) and interpersonal conflict (with others).
We judge ourselves and we then judge others, projecting our rules for living (ironically, adopted from others at first) onto anyone and everyone, whether they are in our actual lives or just celebrities on TV. (Don’t believe me? Ask any American if they watched the NFL’s halftime show with Bad Bunny or Turning Point’s pre-recorded one with country music stars… and WHY).
How do we find our way back?
To wholeness. To individuation AND interdependence.
I believe it begins with radical autonomy - the ability to gift self and others with separate paths, and by that I mean, freedom to live according to what each of us finds most suitable. After all, to quote the U.S.’s Declaration of Independence, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”
Radical (rad·i·kal): adjective
of or relating to the origin; fundamental
far-reaching or thorough
Autonomy (au·ton·o·my): noun
the quality or state of being self-governing
self-directing freedom and especially moral independence
Now, in order to do that, the radical part is key. We all must singularly grapple with the most existential question of WHO AM I? No one else is qualified to do so for us. And it is worth every second spent pondering because what you discover then forms the basis for how you will go on to treat every other human coming into contact with you.
Who are you like when you are at your best? Perhaps on a day when you’re not self-conscious and the world hasn’t fucked with you yet. What lights you up? What are your core values? What do you want to be known for? How do you wish others to feel in your presence?
When you can answer those, everything else begins to fall into place with practice.
One who truly knows, deep down to their very marrow, who they are and why, can withstand disapproval. I’m not saying it doesn’t sting, but it doesn’t hold them back from their pursuit of happiness, nor does it keep them from offering that right to others, even to the very ones being so disagreeable!
I can, with 100% transparency, assure you that it has revolutionized my entire existence. As a mother, lover, clinician, and even politically charged American. I no longer lose sleep over what others do or say about me or anything else. I stand for what I believe to be right, have no problems having an open and respectful dialogue about emotionally charged topics, and move through the world doing as I please. Unapologetic and at peace.
And it’s all I want for you too.
In love & liberation,
Tams.