10 x 10
Celebrating 10 years in business with 10 mini lessons I wish I could tell everyone
I’ve officially been in business for myself as a therapist-coach for 10 years.
…10 years!! I don’t feel 10 years older but here we are. And I am so incredibly grateful for the honor of being in your life and for trusting me to hopefully be a voice of inspiration and encouragement.
Also, thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every one of you who have left a review on Google or sent one of your own friends or family members to me. It means more than you know!
Here's to another 10!
It got me thinking, what are 10 things I wish I could tell every person in the world?
**I might just have to make this a series though because as soon as I came up with 10, I had a bunch more waiting in the wings lol!**
Nevertheless, here are some of the top trending Tams’isms that I’ve been known to get out my pom poms and megaphone for in no particular order:
1. You are more than the sum total of your experiences thus far.
That which the world calls by your name is an incredibly wonderful, complex, and beautiful combination of a mind, body, and “soul” (what the ancient Greeks called a psyche and science calls a consciousness awareness of it all).
Your experiences of being human have taught you much about what you like and don’t like etc., but it’s vital that you know how to identify and get back to that soul space on the daily to ensure you’re living a life that is in alignment with the authentic you!
And THAT is what I’m most passionate about as a therapist-coach!
2. You’re not responsible for being born into the world or how you were treated growing up, but you are responsible for what you’re going to do from here on out.
You are so much more powerful than you probably even realize! Not only have you proven yourself to be resilient in moving through your past, however difficult it was, you’re still working to get to your goals and THAT IS EVERYTHING.
Each morning, adopt a mantra of “and now what?”
An empowered mindset holds that no matter what challenge comes your way, you’ll always move through it like water which changes shape to meet any obstacle.
3. You don’t have to relive your past to heal and overcome it.
I don’t care what other so-called experts in my field say - trauma work does NOT have to include retelling your most painful moments over and over (in fact, I truly believe it often makes it worse) nor does trauma work need to take years.
Neuroscience says what you think about you’ll feel about, and what you feel about, you’ll likely act out.
The key to healing trauma is to focus on authentic empowerment. Period.
I’ve seen many individuals walk away from years and years of painful wounds wrapped up in all kinds of triggers in a quick period of time by reclaiming who they were always meant to be all along.
4. Everyone is kinky in their own way and kink also heals trauma.
If nothing else, all humans have a praise kink. We can’t help but love to be appreciated and validated for the good in us which in turn, makes us want to do all the more.
Beyond that though, as someone who specializes in mating behaviors, I can assure you that as vanilla as you might think you are, you have fun and awesome quirks that help you enjoy life and get off in the best way possible.
The more you’re willing to focus on what feels good to you, the easier it is for your mind and body to heal. The brain LOVES eroticizing discomfort and by doing so, takes control back. It’s incredibly empowering so why not make it a conscious choice?
5. Hedonism is the birthplace of peace.
Building upon that last one, while people may grow and evolve during times of stress (because it’s usually the only time that people are willing to take action - when they’re in pain or sick and tired of being sick and tired), they don’t HEAL there.
We heal in a state of relaxation. Everything from digestion to cell repair and more occurs when you’re not in a state of fight or flight. That’s really all you need to know to move the dial forward my friend.
Hedonism as a philosophy is not advocating for chaos or self-indulgence that leads to destruction but rather the opposite - that by following our drive towards authentic pleasure (TRUE AND DEEP SATISFACTION not mere stimulation), we are better able and more likely to be of service to the world around us.
After all, happy people don’t hurt people. Happy people tend to be generous people.
6. Selfishness is a myth.
Back in the 17th century, Presbyterians are said to have been the first to use the word in its current form, forever infusing religious connotation in the construct of autonomy and what we do with it.
There’s now a devastating epidemic of a stigma in this present culture surrounding the word SELFISH. It keeps people locked in fear of doing what they know would be best for them because they’re understandably afraid of being viewed as or feeling like a bad person.
Tragically, it was never meant to be that way.
Miriam Webster defines selfish as: “arising from concern with one’s own welfare.” At its core or base root, the word selfish implies being conscious of or paying attention to Self…being aware of Self. To You or the flesh and blood body holding your true essence (that psyche we just talked about).
Let’s start with the most basic example commonly accepted in our society – the instructions aboard every aircraft for what to do in case of emergency. The steward or stewardess instructs us to place our own oxygen masks on first before turning to help our loved ones or those around us. This is completely counterintuitive to most human beings and certainly to every parent ever. The directive and reasoning is clear though – we are no good to anyone else if we don’t care for ourselves first. No good! We literally run out of air, our very life force.
We can ONLY help others when we help ourselves, right? Ok. So is this selfish?
We can only ever truly be autonomous when we separate ourselves from others’ thoughts, opinions, behaviors, desires, and more. In psychology we call this INDIVIDUATION.
It doesn’t mean we are in denial or that we somehow don’t care. In fact, it’s the opposite that is most true! It’s BECAUSE we care, (so much so even!) that we are willing to own our desires. You gotta own them! To explore them and take full responsibility for them. It is the BEST gift we can give ourselves and the world.
The gift of our own path. Of individuation. For it is there that we can be fully present with everyone around us. We free them up to be fully themselves and not beholding to us in any way. And that, you see, is where deep sacred intimacy of all kinds awaits. The type of intimacy that forever connects mother to child, lover to its beloved, and activist with a cause.
7. The best relationships consist of two people doing life independently together.
Intimacy starts with a powerful “I” not a we, and I cannot overemphasize this! Not only do you need to know yourself well, you also need to be able to communicate your wants and needs to others, and be willing to take responsibility for maintaining your own health and happiness.
Your partner ideally is an amazing cheerleader and safe space for you to continue becoming your most actualized self, but they should never be the only or even primary source of your self-esteem. That’s on YOU.
This is great news because if your enjoyment of life depends on anyone else, you’re at the mercy of their ability, and desire to be not only your partner but also your life coach, parent, fantasy, best friend, lover, or even rescuer at ALL times. What happens if they have a bad day?
Resentment creeps in anytime there’s a shift towards codependence away from healthy independence that fosters time alone once in a while or relationships, hobbies, and goals that may overlap with our partner’s but don’t have to.
Strong couples don’t feel threatened by space or differences, but instead learn to use them to keep the fire burning through curiosity and longing. After all, those very things were what drew you to your partner at the beginning and made you miss them whenever they were gone! Why would you ever want to lose that? A proper balance between self and others, when done well, is called “INTER-dependence” and it feels so so good!
8. The honeymoon period gets to be a myth for couples unwilling to grow complacent.
If you woke up every day and made a conscious decision to do what it takes to be the best version of you as you know yourself to be, whether that’s physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually etc., AND you were willing to ask your partner how you might support them in doing the same?
TOTAL GAME CHANGER.
Your relationship naturally stays vibrant, regardless of outside circumstances, because it’s about two people willing to take responsibility for themselves and the health of their relationship.
9. A healthy sex life is whatever you and your partner(s) agree too.
As long as you are both enjoying it and satisfied, you’re healthy.
This means you can’t have a “default relationship” though - meaning you can’t assume anything and you need to stay open and communicative.
Check in regularly and be willing to try new things (doesn’t have to be intimidating or super outside your comfort zone either).
10. Life gets to be and should be enjoyable.
Like the late great Hunter S. Thompson once said, “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”
Learn to look at your life like your human vacation… what’s on your itinerary today? Anything you’d want to add?
Feel free to romanticize it. Add in a side quest or two (e.g., taking the kids to get slushies on the way home).
Don’t let yourself grow dull. Life is too precious and you’re much too full of magical awesomeness for that!
I love all of this so much! Thank you!